[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
when someone rings the doorbell
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.