Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.