Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.

Customize Your Wedding.

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Home is where your toilet is.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.