@CodeineFridge

those birds must be on payroll

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@rickolantern

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

@MatCro

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

@LostFelicia

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@stevevsninjas

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

@amandajpanda

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

@PaperWash

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade