They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
God: it’s like a game
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade