Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.