Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys