Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account