Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Always 🥴
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what