Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
A Couples Retweet
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“Is this your resume?”
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
“Welcome to UPS!”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*