Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you