Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.