Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
shit just got real
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.