Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
New tinder profile pic
Look at this
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*