Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Two types of dogs.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Banana is the quietest snack
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger