Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
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When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.