Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected