Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
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[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.