Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.