Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her