Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
girl: tough guys are hot
*hawk lands on my bare arm*
I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?