Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
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I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.