those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
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My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.