Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.