Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
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[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*