“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.