Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
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me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*