Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Ironic
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.