Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
You Might Also Like
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Solving a traffic jam
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Are we there yet?…
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot