thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.