thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Dune (2021)
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
what could possibly go wrong?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by