Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Twitter remains undefeated
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL