Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
This guy’s not having it 😆
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”