Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’