Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.