Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
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I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
This forever.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.