Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
This kid is a star!
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Guilty! 🤪
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?