thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.