thoughts?
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
🤣🤣🤣
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…