Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
went fishing caught a bass
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Don’t tell me what to do