@itsmebeegee07

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

@GuyEndoreKaiser

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

@slimmy_shady

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

@ChimpsAhoi

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

@JohnLyonTweets

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

@Dadof2crazyboys

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

@SimplySnaccbar

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD