Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

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I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?


health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)


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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…


Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.


My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife


7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.


According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.


Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”