Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD