Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Cause of death: Zumba
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
6: are snakes just neck?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Safety first
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?