Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The two types of wives
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
he chose this
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.