Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
You Might Also Like
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.