Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.