Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
You Might Also Like
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*