Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
“you recording!?”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”