Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour