Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.