Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My birthstone is kidney
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Fries, not lies.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough