[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
*flips table into moon*
Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.