@ElsieKFisher
@evildadatron [first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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@evildadatron 
@Reverend_Scott HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
@MarfSalvador me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
@IamEveryDayPpl Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
@Kyle_Lippert I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@sixfootcandy I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
@IamJackBoot Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
@OfficeofSteve There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
@daemonic3 The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
@RickAaron In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.