Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.