Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
what could possibly go wrong?
The game has officially changed 😎
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know