Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.