*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You Might Also Like
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
be careful
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Venn