Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
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I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
hmmm
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Found the job I’m suited for
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.