Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*